Intervention
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: Kyo arrives home one day to an empty house... or so he thinks. Rated for swearing and adult content. Oneshot. Repost.


This I originally posted under my Star account, but I decided to move it to here... for some unknown reason. Basically, it's because I'm taking all the _good_ stuff here and leaving all the _bad_ stuff on that account. Eh heh heh...

**Disclaimer:** Nope, don't own Fruits Basket. Or else Kyo and Tohru would've been together from the get-go. (sigh)

* * *

**Intervention**

"Hello! I'm home!" Kyo threw his backpack on the couch and waited for a reply. Nothing.

"Tohru? Shigure? Damn rat?" Silence. Kyo cast a suspicious glance over his shoulder before he padded his way into the living room. There was no one there. The lights were turned off. He wandered to the kitchen. There was no dinner cooking on the stove, the groceries lay untouched on the countertop. He went into Shigure's office. The door was open but no one was inside. Kyo was about to move on when something caught his eye. It was curious, but the computer was still on. In big, bold letters, the name "Kyo" could be seen. "I guess Shigure left me a note," he mumbled to himself as he stepped towards the computer. Underneath his name, in a microscopic font, was one word—Gotcha!

The door slid shut. Kyo whirled. A bright light clicked on and shone in his face, temporarily blinding him. "Welcome home, Kyo," a deep voice said before it began to cackle evilly.

There was a loud smack and the malevolent laughter abruptly halted. "Cut it out, Shigure! This is an intervention, not a Halloween party!"

"Aww…you take all the fun out of everything, Yuki…."

"Shigure-san? Umm…are interventions supposed to be fun?"

"What the hell is going on?" Kyo demanded. His eyes began to dilate, allowing him to see his three kidnappers huddled around him.

"Hi, Kyo-kun! Sorry to scare you like this, but this is really important, okay?"

Kyo was beginning to squirm under the bright light. "What's important?" He could hear Yuki's heavy sigh. "Honda-san," the rat began, exasperated, "when performing an intervention, try not to be so peppy."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Yuki-kun. I'll try and be more serious." Even with a bright light in his eyes, Kyo could see the girl immediately tense up. It looked like she was having a staring contest with a grape.

"You didn't answer my question, dammit! What's going on?" He attempted to glare accusingly at Yuki, but he only managed to squint in the rat's general direction.

"This is for your own good, stupid cat. Tohru found a little something hidden under your mattress yesterday." He held up his hand, revealing a small bag of dried leaves. "Why didn't you tell us, Kyo?"

The cat shifted in his seat and attempted to block some of the light with his hands. "What are you talking about? I've never seen that stuff in my life!"

"Ah ah ah, Kyo!" Shigure sang, wagging his finger at Kyo. "We know this is yours, so it's no use lying!" The young boy immediately jumped at the chance to distract the dog.

"Where'd you guys get this lamp?"

"Oh, I was wondering if you would notice! I was looking through my closet and found brand new desk lamp; still in its box, as a matter of fact. Do you like it?"

"WOULD YOU STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!" Yuki bellowed. He then shoved the plastic bag closer to Kyo. "Would you like to tell them what this is? Or would you like me to?" The cat's eyes widened and his lips parted, yet he said nothing. "So you'd like me to tell them, then? Very well." Yuki opened the bag and pulled out a small piece. "This substance is called _Nepeta cataria_. You may know it by its common name—catnip." Yuki calmly began to crumple the leaf between his fingers, sneezing slightly as the strong aroma of mint reached his nose. Kyo began to perspire. "Catnip has no major effects on humans. For cats, though, it's an entirely different story."

"Can we talk about this later?" Kyo said, attempting to feign apathy. He was about as convincing as Keanu Reeves in _Little Buddha_. Which is not at all.

Yuki continued, "Cats react to nepetalactone, a chemical that catnip's scent contains. Should I tell them what kind of reaction it produces?"

Kyo simply stared at his hands, twitching ever so slightly. In one sudden motion, he began to toss things about the room in an attempt to clear a path to the doorway. He had no such luck. Shigure and Yuki managed to wrestle him back into a chair while Tohru apologized to no one in particular.

"Will you stop being selfish and listen?" Yuki shouted.

"Fine! FINE! But is the friggin' lamp really necessary?"

Both Yuki and Kyo fixed their attention on Shigure, who was busy refocusing the light on Kyo's face. When he finally realized he was being watched, he quickly released the lamp and pouted.

It was then the scent of the catnip reached Kyo's nose. He slowly closed his eyes and purred. Everyone looked at him in surprise. Kyo _never_ purred.

"Uuh…Kyo-kun…are you okay?" He apparently didn't hear Tohru because he didn't respond. Then, like a flash of light, the boy pounced on Yuki's chest, knocking him to the ground.

"Stupid cat! Gettoffame!" But Yuki's pleas were steadfastly ignored by the obsessed teenager. Kyo began to rub his cheek on the hand Yuki used to crush the leaf with, purring incessantly and occasionally nipping at the Rat's fingers. "Shigu—OW! Kyo, stop biting me! Shigure, please get him off!"

Unfortunately, the dog was too busy laughing to interfere. "I think I'll just let you be," he gasped, clutching his stomach. "Ooh, I love this family!" In the meantime, Tohru was wildly running about the room trying to figure out what she should do first: help Yuki or help Shigure. Not really a moral dilemma for most people, but, then again, Tohru was not most people. Specifically in the 'common sense' department.

Yuki drew the line when Kyo started to lick his hand. "GET A GRIP, YOU STUPID CAT!" he shouted as he shoved the boy off him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Kyo didn't respond at first since he was too busy trying to get himself under control.

Now that things had calmed down, Tohru wore a look of concern. "What happened, Kyo-kun? That was scary." She bent over and felt Kyo's forehead for no apparent reason, making him flush and scoot away.

"It…uh…it's just that…his hand…smelled good."

Tohru leaned over and sniffed Yuki's hand suspiciously. "It smells like mint."

"I…I know. I like mint."

Obviously, an extremely awkward silence followed, occasionally broken by Shigure's snorts of poorly-concealed laughter.

"Honda-san," Yuki finally managed to sigh, "you don't know what catnip does to cats, do you?"

She flushed slightly and rocked back on her heels. "No… I'm sorry, Yuki-kun! I know I should keep track of these things, and I'll—"

"It's okay. Some people don't know." Yuki rose and dusted the dirt off his pants. "Catnip's smell makes cats behave much like Kyo just did. They basically go wild for a few minutes after they sniff it. Catnip is, in essence, a drug for cats."

She gasped. "A drug? But drugs are bad!" Quickly she turned back to the boy at her feet, touching noses with him in a sad attempt to make him hear better. "Kyo-kun, why are you taking drugs! They're not good for you!"

"You don't have to shout; I'm right here!" He made a big show out of cleaning out his ears before he began to concentrate on his fingernails, avoiding the question entirely. Tohru didn't notice his intentions, but Yuki did.

"Answer her question, Kyo. I'd like to know, too. Why did you start?"

"I dunno. Something to do, I guess."

Shigure feigned hurt. "Are you saying you were bored here?" He was so convincing, of course, that Tohru believed him.

"Kyo-kun, you should have come to me if you were bored! We could have done something together—"

She was silenced by a wave of Yuki's hand. "Honda-san, please, let him answer." Everyone focused on the boy crouched on the floor. "Why?"

He stared at the floor. He stared at the ceiling. He stared at Shigure's (poorly) hidden stash of hentai. Basically, he stared at anything that wasn't moving. When Yuki was opening his mouth to press for more answers, Kyo responded.

"No one cares what I do. I'm the stupid cat, remember? I can do what I want." He still didn't look up, yet his story seemed believable. And everyone was shocked.

"Kyo-kun! Why do you think that we don't care! Of _course_ we—"

"Then why don't you guys care if I go missing for three months?"

Tohru recoiled as if she had been bitten. Yuki stepped in front of her and frowned down at the miserable figure before him. "You know that she didn't know you then."

"I wasn't talking to her." Kyo looked directly at Yuki. "You're the one who hates me. The whole family hates me." He glanced sideways to avoid Yuki's confused stare. "No one cares." There was a slight pause as Tohru started crying. Again. Shigure glanced at her, seemingly uncomfortable.

"Ah, Tohru, why don't you go wash your face?"

She sniffed delicately. "I'm sorry Shigure-san! It's just so sad…." She moped the out the door as everyone watched her go. Shigure had tears streaming down his face as he bit his lip to keep from laughing aloud.

Kyo couldn't look Yuki in the eye. "No one cares what I do," he repeated softly, more to himself than to the Sohmas surrounding him. He then looked so pitiful, even Hiro would have given him a hug. And that's pretty pitiful.

On the other hand, Yuki was just getting angrier and angrier. "You idiot!" he finally exploded. "What about Shishou? Tohru? Kagura?" At the mention of the last name, Kyo shuddered, but Yuki pressed on. "You're popular at school. You fit in there, in the real world, not in this idiotic family. Why are you throwing that all away? You don't _need_ to belong; just be _HAPPY_ with the stupid cat! Live your damn life!" Yuki was too furious to say anything more. He took a few calming breaths and managed to control himself.

Kyo was shocked at the explosion. "Wha-what do you mean 'idiotic family'? I've spent my life trying to get in!"

"You can do better, Kyo." Without another word, Yuki left the room, closing the door behind him. It was just Shigure and Kyo left.

They sat together in a contemplative silence, waiting for the other to speak first.

"Kyo," Shigure finally said, "does this mean Yuki and you aren't going to wreck my house anymore?"

"RAAAH! YOU'RE SO SELFISH!" Kyo stomped out of the room, stomped back, grabbed the catnip and stomped out again. Shigure had to keep smothering his laughter behind his hand.

Then the room fell silent. When he was sure no one else was coming, Shigure edged toward the hentai stash and quickly shuffled through the pile. When he turned around, he was clutching a video recorder in his hand. "Done and done," he said as he clicked the stop button. "This is going to be an instant classic!"

Whistling, he walked outside to mass-produce the video when he stopped and sniffed the air. "Mmm, it smells minty!" He started for the living room when he froze. "Uh-oh." At the same time, Tohru and Yuki were running down the stairs.

"Where's the catnip, Shigure?"

"Kyo took it. He went outside, I th—" Yuki shoved past him and bolted out the door with a sobbing Tohru hot on his heels.

"This is terrible," Shigure said seriously to himself. "I could be missing some great footage!" Deftly, the dog hit the record button then and chased after Yuki and Tohru.

When he finally found Kyo, it took Shigure's all to keep from crying. Kyo had been trying to get rid of his stash by burning it in the backyard. Unfortunately, the scent it emitted had gotten to him. Kyo was now frolicking in the grass, singing the MeowMix theme song loud enough to scare the wildlife.

"We should help him, Yuki-san and Shigure-san!" Tohru said bravely. She began to chase him down, but Yuki and Shigure hung back—one from embarrassment, one from immobility.

"This…is so…great!" Shigure heaved through his laughter.

Yuki sighed at his pitiful cousin. "At least Kyo's taking a step in the right direction. Even if it _is_ just skipping back to the house."

* * *

"Hey, Haa-san! You'll never believe what I got on video!"

Hatori sighed and coolly regarded his insane friend. "What is it now? I don't want to watch any more yuri if that's what you—"

"No, it's way better than that!" Shigure pushed the tape into the VCR and hit play. Hatori's eyes widened.

"Is that Kyo prancing in the daisies?"


End file.
